Anniversary: 2 Years

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of our wedding. We’ve made it a full 2 years, which seems like nothing when you consider we’ve been together for almost 7, and known each other for more than 10.

But still, a lot has happened in these 2 years.

We bought a home. We put a lot into making it a home within the first few months. We adopted a cat (the third Upsider!). We started trying for children. We found out Mr Upside got a job offer in another city. We made the very tough decision to relocate, despite having just purchased the home. We continued to try for children. We left the city we’d been in for years to move to another. Together. We got diagnosed as infertile. We tried to acclimate to a new life in a new city. I adjusted to working from home.  We spent months figuring out what Infertility truly means. We’re still trying to figure it out.

Last week, I watched our wedding video– not the whole thing but the 8 minute version, edited to tell our story with music and words. When I got to the part where my husband said his vows, I started bawling.

I hadn’t cried at this video before…I barely cried at the wedding itself, just teary and few times. But I heard what he wrote, for the first time since our diagnosis– what he said to me in front of everyone– that he is called to be with me, forever: for a home, a future, and a family. I remember how cold it had been that day, for our outdoor ceremony, and how it all melted away when I was up there with him becoming joined.

We certainly didn’t know 2 years ago today what we would be struggling with, to grow our family. There have been many times where I have looked back and wondered if we did everything right, did what we were supposed to do, waited too much time, or not enough. I’ve paced back and forth in my own mind trying to see if, knowing what I do now, I would have done something differently.

The answer I came to is: no.

Infertility is not our fault. Either of us. Nothing we did could have caused it, and nothing we’ve done since has exacerbated it. It’s our struggle and our burden to bear, but we have a tremendous upside: we get to carry it together.

So I did something I never do. I wrote a poem. I’m not even sure why; sometimes IF makes things fall out of me, onto paper, onto this blog. I’m not a poet, so I recognize this isn’t good. But its meaningful. To me.

read the poem below the cut