I’d like to catch a break, not a cold.

I’m on a business trip- woke up to catch my flight Tues morning with a sore throat. Yesterday (Wed) it turned into full blown fever and chills and aches- in the middle of our strategic planning. Given that strategic planning happens once a year and is MANDATORY I had to suffer through it, shaky and rocking myself in the corner of the table. Lol. 

Today the illness has moved into my chest and no more aches (yay). HOWEVER I got my second biopsy results back. They’re not what I expected. 

POST-RECEPTIVE.

That’s right y’all. Prereceptive on day 6, post on day 7. 

My RE says basically I will have to do 1 extra dose of crinone (typical days dose is TWO crinones, so this would be more like half dose). My window is somewhere between days 6 and 7. 6 1/2????

He says he’s not seen anyone in his clinic like this: but they’ve only been doing ERAs for about 11 months? But OF COURSE I’m so rare and weird.

So we will be transferring in January with 6 1/2 days of crinone. It’s absurd but it’s the only solution. They know my window has to be between days 6 and 7 because they know when I’m pre and post. 

I know that 12 hours can make a difference. I know it’s possible. I just wish I could have seen that big “RECEPTIVE” label on my labs. 

The silver lining is- thank goodness we didn’t transfer this past cycle with my post-receptive uterus! Thank you to all who weighed in.

We will be waiting for my period to start, probably around NYE and then gearing up for a day 6.5 transfer.

And I’ll keep fighting this cold. Along with the disappointment in these results. Bleh.

Musings on a Natural Cycle

(note: my actual boobs are not as generous as this photo ;-D )

So, this¬†cycle is my “break” cycle as most of you know. And its entirely natural. No hormones, pills, injections, suppositories of any kind. Not even birth control! Its been a year and a half since my last fully natural cycle. Its weird, to be honest. I find myself in moments of panic like WAIT- did I forget to take a pill? It takes me two seconds to realize- I don’t need to. No estrogen. No femara. No BCP. No crinone. No chemicals. Nothing at all.

I am currently on cycle day 11. I know this because I actually re-downloade a fertility app that I deleted a year ago, once I realized natural conception was totally out the window. And frankly, I re-downloaded it because I forgot how long my “natural” cycle was and wanted to track it. Its weird to think I could ovulate on my own in a few days. Not that anything would come of it- and to be honest, I don’t know if my body would ovulate on its own after a year of nonstop drugs.

I thought, briefly, about using my old ovulation sticks this cycle. To track it, see if I O, and maybe even try TI again…but the reality is, I wanted this cycle to be a REAL break. No TTC. No stress about timing sex. Just hanging out and letting life take its course.

So I guess thats where I am. Day 11 of a completely natural, hormone-free, stress-free cycle. I don’t know what to expect, and quite frankly, I have no expectations. And at the end of the day, I think thats a good thing for me.

I’ll update everyone once I hear about the results of my second biopsy. We’re really really hoping for “receptive” this time.

Slowing Down for Christmas

Happy December everyone. December is one of my very favorite months, because despite not being religious, Christmas is absolutely my favorite time of year. I love Christmas music, I love lights, I love Christmas trees, you name it. Mr Upside is ethnically Jewish, but TOTALLY non practicing, despite the fact that his uncle and aunt are Rabbis….but still, I like to throw a little Hanukkah in the mix ūüôā The first year we were married I made like 100 latkes for Hanukkah, which I have to admit, were pretty good¬†for a shiksa.

I suppose I love holiday traditions of all kinds.

It’s keeping me¬†busy. My mind occupied. After my second (horrendous) ERA biopsy, there really isn’t anything to do but wait. I got my period* yesterday but this is the first time i haven’t had to call my nurse about it- December, for me, will be a completely natural cycle. No hormones, no pills, not even birth control. I can’t remember the last time that was the case.

I suppose December is meant to be this way. I chose to not have the transfer, and although the decision ate at me for a few days, I am now 100% convinced it was the right one- even with how painful the biopsy was. This is where I am meant to be right now: under the lights of my tree, snuggling with my cat, finishing up work projects, writing holiday cards, enjoying drinks with my husband, making travel plans for Christmas. Now is not the time for 1-line panic attacks, for symptom spotting, for over-analysis of my body.

Whatever holiday you celebrate, or if you celebrate none, I hope you are all restful and peaceful during this last month of 2016. So many of us have had it so very hard, and I wish you calmness and grace these last few weeks. Thanks for always being there for me ‚̧

 

 

 

 

*I am pretty sure its my period. I was on 6 days of Crinone and then 2 days of provera. My RE wanted me to do 4 days of provera but I only did 2, half because I timed it that way and half because I honestly forgot. Yesterday my flow was relatively heavy, had some clots, etc. ¬†Today is seems very light which is odd. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I get my next period close to NYE for an early-mid Jan¬†transfer. ‚̧

Good Riddance, ERA Biopsy

I just had my (HOPEFULLY FINAL) biopsy. Holy hell, it hurt worse than last time- and last time was bad. The problem it seemed, was that my cervix was too tight and uncooperative and my uterus was in hiding. My RE tried 5 different catheters and finally had to resort to PRYING my cervix open with some medieval torture device, and then sucking the lining from my uterus.

It. Was. Awful.

I screamed and yelped. And then he DIDN’T get enough after the first try so he went back in there. Good lord.

The chances are high that I will find out I am receptive and I won’t have to push it to another day. Even so, if I am still pre-receptive, no one apparently ever goes past 2 days off the typical window, so they treat you as a day eight-er regardless.

Honestly I think my body was trying to protect itself from what it knew was going to happen. Oy.

So, now I am on provera for a few days, then I get a natural cycle in December, then a hopeful FET in January.

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was very nice- but the holidays are indeed a strange time. Just all the family stuff, people posting pics of their new babies, announcing pregnancies, etc- it really is tough.

A Stressful Choice

…And here I was thinking I wouldn’t have to make a choice the rest of the year!

I had my lining check today- she’s a beaut, as usual. My RE actually told me we didnt have to do a second biopsy- that we could transfer on MONDAY. Basically he said he personally has never had a patient go past 1 day pre-receptivity, and even though its possible, its very unlikely. So basically we could save $1,000, save the pain, and save the waiting. And transfer on Monday. And if it failed again, we could biopsy in Dec/Jan again, if we choose, bc the lab doesn’t need to be open for that.

My immediate reaction was a bit of panic, because I was NOT prepared to possibly have a transfer next week.

My second reaction was OMG OF COURSE I’LL DO IT

My third was wait…Mr Upside can’t come on Monday.

My fourth was “that’s okay, there is no guarantee he could come to one in January either given his schedule”

My fifth was…what if it fails again?

My sixth was “it could fail at ANY point and it wouldn’t be your fault.”

My seventh was “but I wasn’t emotionally prepared for this”

My eighth was “ha, maybe that is a good thing..”

And now here I am, about to drive to my parents for Thanksgiving with no clue what to do. Six embryos remain.

 

Pre-Receptive: Taking My Own Sweet Time

ERA results are in. I am pre-receptive! In a way this makes perfect sense- for a gal who stayed in the womb 2 weeks past the due date, got her 6 year molars at, like, 11- it seems like sometimes I just take a while to get where I am going.

I have very mixed feelings about this information. On one hand, I hate to know I have to do another biopsy (I don’t remember if I blogged about the biopsy here- it was awful). And I also HATE that I will be extra delayed as my lab¬†shuts down in Dec-Jan for cleaning. So if I didnt get it in now, I’d have to wait a whole extra month.

On the OTHER hand, I have, for the first time, found a test that shows me as abnormal. A test that can dictate a change in protocol, something to treat. Up until now, I have been so unexplained in every possible way that it was frustrating- there really wasn’t anything science could tell me¬†to do that could treat a specific issue.

Mr Upside is thrilled with this news- it represents to him a reason for our failures. I am cautiously optimistic about it-emphasis on the cautiously. I know that it doesn’t fix everything 100% of the time. But I’m happy to have more information, and I am so glad I did the test. It’s crazy to think I could have just kept going and failed like 5 more times without knowing any of this.

Next steps? Continuing to focus on self-care. It’s been huge for me every day since we lost our embryo. I work at it every day, but I’m not in the darkness of depression anymore. Yoga has been a HUGE part of this.

My next biopsy will be next Monday, the 28th. The first one was shockingly painful, but the good news is that I really didn’t cramp throughout the day. It was really just the procedure itself. Anything to get me closer to my goal.