Grief is an Ocean: Part 2

Last September I lost my Gran. She was one of my biggest supporters ever- from when I was a little girl to when I was an adult. I was very close to her, and continued to be even through the cruelty of Alzheimer’s. She may not have remembered her relationship to me in the end, but her face always lit up when she saw me.

I am not sure if I wrote this here yet, but Little Rabbit is due on her birthday. What a beautiful, special thing. We are absolutely giving L.R. one of her names (first, middle, maiden- we haven’t decided) as her middle name.

I had been thinking of all this ‘circle of life’ stuff recently when my family got a series of bad news. My uncle passed away on Saturday of stage 4 esophageal cancer that no one knew he had until about 10 days prior. My heart breaks for his wife and kids. It was far too soon to lose him. We spent all day yesterday trying to figure out logistics and travel for the funeral, which is held about 40 min outside of Myrtle Beach and is pretty tough to get to.

This morning my mom called me at 7 am to tell me my other grandmother, my only still-living grandparent, was found on the floor in her nursing home with a heart rate of 27 bpm. She is currently in the ICU and doctors have suggested at-home hospice care. Her heart is failing and there is very little they can do for a 90 year old. My dad is talking to a cardiologist this morning about the possibility of a pacemaker, but who wants to do surgery on a very frail 90 year old?

In the coming days we will know more but it’s all pretty stressful. And strange to be carrying this perfect miracle, knowing she will come into a world while some family passes on.

**If you’re a into sending positive vibes or prayers, please send some to my cousins and Aunt Sandi as they cope with the loss of my uncle.

20 Weeks: Halfway There

It’s amazing to be writing this post at all. When I was 5 weeks pregnant..even 6, 7, 8 9…it seemed totally unbelievable that I would reach 20 weeks one day. Because time was just crawling by. But now look at me! Little Rabbit is halfway cooked in my belly and I could not be happier.

5 months. 5 freaking months completed! I have a really serious belly right now, and although I was a little self-conscious about it at 4 months* I am proudly rocking it wherever I go at 5.

I had my ‘boring’ 20 week appt yesterday morning. This is the one where we don’t even see the OB, just the NP. They take your blood pressure, ask some questions, and move on. BUT I lucked out and got to see the baby anyway!

 

SO, I brought up the spotting I had on Monday and the NP basically didnt seem that concerned. But she DID take a look at my uterus, placenta, cervix, and Little Rabbit. And everything looked good! My cervix is about 4 cm long, which is perfect for 20 weeks. My placenta is NOT on my cervix, but attached somewhere on the left side of my uterus. So, those explanations for spotting are ruled out, which is wonderful news. Little Rabbit’s heart rate was 147 ppm, her head was measuring 1 day ahead (20 wk), and her belly and her legs were measuring right on track. So what’s weird about it though, is that after taking those measurements, the computer calculates her estimated weight and weight percentile- she was 11 oz (great) but in the 38th percentile! Yet everything was on track. I asked if I should be worried because last time we were at 50th percentile. The NP said no, that only if you plummet from like 90th to 15th in 1 month there could be an issue.

And what else is weird, is that the 11 oz estimate is right on track- even larger than most of the weight estimates on the internet I could find for 20 weeks. Like, they all say 10.58 oz. So, idk, but I am not putting too much stock into that percentile. I don’t even understand how they came up with it if everything else is super average.

Baby girl would NOT let us get a picture. She was sleeping and curled up on top of herself in the craziest position. So, that’s too bad, but pretty small potatoes compared to the rest of it.

I am feeling really good in the second trimester- ever since about 15 weeks- so I am trying to keep riding this wave of health, and hope that I don’t get more spotting. But if I do, to remember that it is probably OK.

Next up? Appt in 1 month for our big anatomy scan. I will be 6 months! Which also sounds hard to believe, but we all know how time sometimes flies…

19 Weeks, 3 Days: Kicks and Scares

Happy belated Easter for those who celebrate. We don’t, as we are agnostics and my husband is ethnically Jewish. Still, I loved seeing all the little rabbit and bunny memes, cartoons and kid outfits- it reminded me of MY Little Rabbit!

Everything has been trucking along in 2nd trimester in the best, most boring way possible. I don’t want any ‘excitement’ during this time- just want there to be nothing to report, just smooth sailing. And its been the way! So I was quite surprised when this morning around 9:30 I went to the bathroom and discovered some light red spots on my toilet paper.

UGH. My heart was racing immediately even though I told myself to try to calm down. I wiped a few more times and it faded almost as quickly as I came. 30 minutes later I had some brown dots and now, nothing at all.

The last time I had spotting, I was just about 12 weeks. Now, I am just about 20. I panicked a lot the first time and called my OB, started crying, the whole works. Went in to see the babe and she was doing absolutely fine. My OB said she isn’t worried about very light red at all, that some people’s bodies just spot while others don’t. She told me to expect it again- and only to get worried if the flow is heavy (filling a pad in an hour) and/or I have rhythmic pain.

I remembered those words she told me from last time. I calmed my breathing a bit. Mr Upside told me to keep an eye on it, but not to worry. So, I am trying not to.

LUCKILY….my little girl is helping me out in this area! She started kicking! I felt the first real kicks on my left side, about an hour after this spotting occurred. I can’t even explain how bizarre and truly AMAZING it feels. I like to think she’s letting me know she’s ok.

So, that’s where I am right now. I still have that anxiety in my chest, but its fairly mild at the moment. Every now and then I get a funny little kick or punch from Little Rabbit and I’m filled with delight. We have our 20 week appointment on Thursday morning, and even though we don’t get our anatomy scan then, I am hoping we can still see her and get some pictures her looking happy and lively.

18 weeks 5 days: Catching up!

Hey blog world! Long time no talk. I have been neglectful of this blog for no other reason than sheer busyness. Work has been wildly crazy and I had 2 personal trips as well. In fact, I just flew in yesterday from a girls weekend in Palm Springs. I had planned to get back Monday, but I had a layover. Due to the weather in Texas, my 2nd flight didnt work out. I was able to catch a flight yesterday back home, but they rerouted my plane in the middle of the air ALLLLL across the state, in the opposite direction! A 35 min flight became nearly 2 hours. For a fearful flier like me it was not fun.

BUT all that aside, things are still going well with Little Rabbit as far as I can tell! I am growing bigger and bigger and although I have felt no kicks yet, i do feel some butterflies or gas-like bubbles in my tummy. I think that’s her.

Our next appt is in 8 days for my nearly-20 week scan. BUT I don’t get my anatomy scan until 24 weeks! So it’s a little disappointing because we have to wait even longer to see how everything is measuring. But I am hoping they can tell her general measurements next week and their percentile. If we’re lucky.

I am feeling very thankful for feeling well and for not having any scary symptoms. I think I am coming down with something, unfortunately, but probably just a cold. I can handle it no problem.

Hoping all is well in your worlds! I will have a better update after our next appointment. With seeing the baby just once a month, and leaving the weirdness of the 1st trimester behind, I feel like I have less to update about! I’ll take it. I have been hoping for a ‘boring’ 2nd trimester and am thankful to get it.