12 Weeks with my obstinate little one

I hit the 3 month mark y’all, officially! Today I am 12w1d pregnant with Little Rabbit and it’s a dream.

We had our big 12-week appt yesterday. I didnt realize we’d be taken back into a separate area for a specialized sonogram with a tech. The sonogram went well, for the most part. It was so cool because she was able to isolate the baby’s feet, arms, legs, brain, eyes, ears, etc. But at one point she looked at me and said “I don’t know if anyone has ever told you but your uterus is basically backwards and upside-down.” LADY. I spent a year at a fertility clinic with every uterus test known to mankind. OF COURSE I know I have a weird + retroverted uterus. Anyway, all that was to tell me I’d have to get a transvaginal u/s after all. Which I didnt mind at all.

EXCEPT! That it took about 30 minutes. I started getting sore. All because the whole time, she was trying to get L.R. to flip over and get its neck measured! But stubborn little babe refused. (S)he was lying with its back to us most of the time. The tech poked and prodded my belly like 20 times, I had to fake cough, Mr Upside ran to get me water, all in the hopes of stirring L.R. into a proper position. No such luck. (S)he waved at us and kicked his/her legs but refused to budge otherwise! After 30 minutes, the tech finally said, “well you have a stubborn little baby- everything looks good but I cannot measure the neck. I’m going to make a note to your OB and she can decide if she wants to try again next week.”

Of course I was disappointed to not get the neck measured- a soft marker for Down’s as well as other chromosomal abnormalities- but I was relieved to hear the tech say every other measurement looked perfect.

And we even got to see the babe in 3D! I know I’m a “mother” now because I have always hated those 3D sonograms- I think babies look so creepy in them- but as soon as I saw mine, I thought it was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen!

Mr Upside asked the tech like 5 times if she could see the nub that would predict sex- but, in keeping with his/her general personality, L.R. was NOT cooperating. So we have no clues at all.

After the sono, we waited just about 10 minutes and our OB called us back. She told us everything looks great- and the visibility of nasal bones is a good indicator our baby does not have Down Syndrome. (So so so relieved to hear). But its not definitive. So, we went ahead and did the Harmony non-invasive genetic testing, which should give us even better clues than the neck measurement.

After seeing her, we went across the hall to get my blood drawn with my cool little Harmony kit in hand. They said it takes 7 business days to get results. I was groaning when I first heard this bc I had originally been told 5 days- but I realized waiting doesn’t end with infertility treatments. Hey, at least this is better than the ERA biopsy on all accounts!

My guess is in about 10 days we will know our risk factors for the main trisomies as well as sex. I am going to be so thrilled either way, but I am also dying to know!

Before I end this I will mention I had spotting on Thursday- it was red. I was terrified. I sobbed and called the nurse and nothing could calm me down. But I found the heartbeat with my at-home doppler which made me feel a lot better. And when I saw the OB she told me she wasn’t concerned at all- it was such a small amount and my uterus is growing and growing. My placenta looks great, baby is right on target, and everything seems to not be cause for any concern. I am so so relieved, grateful. This really is a dream come true.

SO! Up next? Harmony results in 10 days, then our 16 month week* check-up on March 20.


*apparently I originally wrote “16 month check up” which…is hilarious. If I had to be pregnant for 16+ months I don’t know how I’d mentally make it!

First Belly Glimpse

I think this is the only picture I’ve ever posted of myself. (Well, sort of- its just my body). I put on some leggings and a t-shirt after my shower this morning (joys of working from home) and was shocked at how…differently it fits.

my guess: 30% baby, 10% cupcakes, 60% pad thai

I am not ready to make any kind of proclamation about what is responsible for this. Tacos? Cupcakes? Pad Thai? Baby? Definitely pad thai is partially responsibly, since I’ve increased my intake of it by about 200%. All I know is I did not look like this in December.

I will be 3 months this Friday- am I supposed to get a bump already? Who knows!

I know I have not been the healthiest eater in pregnancy, and I keep telling myself I will change that as I approach my 2nd trimester. But either way, a bump is a bump, right? And the baby is bigger than a lime right now, supposedly, and that certainly should change the shape of my uterus and body.

I love you, Little Rabbit, and little bump, even if I’m at that awkward stage where I look like I just ate too many burritos. I cannot wait to be 12 weeks with you and get to see you on the big screen this Friday.

What a Difference a Year Makes

Last February I created this blog. I had been struggling with my diagnosis of infertility and I felt lonely, confused and completely helpless. I hadn’t yet gone to a fertility clinic, I hadn’t yet met my RE. I was scared to, honestly. I didn’t know what they would say to me, or if they would take me at all.

A year ago, on February 16, 2016 I wrote this post. Frankly, it was at one of my lowest points. I’m not sure if it comes through entirely in that post– it took a while for me to feel comfortable enough, even in the anonymous internet sphere, for me to be raw with my emotions– but it was a very tough time for me. I started getting a lot of depression after that appointment. I can’t tell you what set me off, exactly, about the cysts- they’re cysts, not a nuclear holocaust- but I do know that it sent me into a dark place for a while. I think it was the utter loss of control and the lack of a plan forward. I remember sobbing in the stirrups (not the last time either) and feeling completely utterly without hope.

I had to create this blog because I was struggling. And that struggle didn’t end soon after. Hell, it’s still not over- the grief and trauma of infertility or recurrent loss doesn’t end when you get pregnant. But through time, connection with all of you, through my IF therapist, through my fertility clinic, through meeting new people and actually BEING HONEST about what I was going through- things really did get better. I had a plan. I had a support group. I had my authenticity.

And here I am. Just shy of 11 weeks. I have acne and bloating and gas and heartburn and I couldn’t be happier with the reason why. I also am in awe of how far I have come from just 1 year ago, and what a wild ride it has been. I know this is something everyone says, but I mean it- a year ago I never pictured myself here, pregnant, healthy, full of hope. I had no plan forward and no one to take me fully seriously (the place I went to before my clinic was like ‘you’re young and skinny, you’re totally fertile, so here’s some femara, check back in 6 months’).

Every day is a milestone, every minute of being pregnant a momentous occasion. But it’s not only the past 2 months that have contained milestones. I went through so much over the course of a year. I had my first cysts, my first clinic visit. My HSG (old place never offered that to me???) Our first IUI. The end of IUIs- when I realized where we were. Everyday shots for my follicles. My egg retrieval. The agony of waiting to hear about those eggs and embryos. My FET. The heartbreak of losing our embryo. The depression that ensued. My ERA biopsies. BOTH of them. And all the feelings of faith and loss in between.

The reality is that everything- my first cysts, my HSG- in the moment, they were all momentous. Frightening. Hard to get through. A big relief in their aftermath. Just because it seems like a piece of cake now doesn’t mean my first IUI wasn’t wrought with fear and hope.

I guess all I mean to say is: I have been through so much in a year. I am blessed beyond belief to be where I am right now, but I’ll never forget what I went through to get here. The scary, grief-stricken moments of infertility live within me and I’m proud of myself for getting through every month of them. So grateful to be sitting where I am today. And so thankful for all of you who have guided me, sent good vibes or prayers, kept your toes crossed, gave me advice and support. Couldn’t have done it without you.

First OB appointment

So even though I technically snuck in a scan at 7 1/2 weeks with my OB’s office, today was my first actual appointment. I love their office but the wait times are out of this world. I was in the waiting room about 50 minutes before I was called back and waited like another 15 for my OB. And this was a 9 am appointment! But what can ya do….

Little Rabbit looks like a baby for the first time! Its head is massive. (S)he  was waving and bouncing around! It was incredible to see- I think (s)he was sleeping last week so I didnt see movement. The heart rate was “very good” at 153 bpm- but I thought it was weird it was slower than last week’s rate of 169. My OB told me it can change every 10 minutes and its well within normal range, basically anything above 120 is considered good. So, okay then, I will try not to worry.

I got blood drawn which means more TSH workup, which I am pleased with. I should hear in a few days, I guess.

Our next appointment will be at exactly 12 weeks (after some scheduling difficulties with Mr Upside’s schedule– grr his job requires so much travel). Which means 2+ weeks of waiting. But I am going to try my best to get through with limited anxiety. At our 12 week appointment they will do the NT testing (down syndrome related) and then we are opting to do the Harmony test- which will give us our odds for the most common genetic problems- and the sex! I am so excited to find out the sex of L.R.

I miss my RE- I can’t help it. I was so comfortable with him and his office and their wait times and nurses and procedures and methods of contact. But its a brave new world, one that I am ecstatic to join, so I just have to buck up and trust my regular OB to do her job. (And I do trust her- she’s lovely).

Trying to be chill is not a strong suit of mine. But pregnancy is obviously a nerve-wracking time, especially first trimester, and all indications are good for us. So I think of it as a kind of test- I have to have faith that the numbers are right, the timing is right, and that this will be my baby.

9 Weeks with Little Rabbit

Today I am 9 weeks pregnant. It is a great feeling. Yesterday, we had our final sonogram with our fertility clinic! L.R. was measuring 8 weeks, 5 days and curled up in, well, a fetal position! We could see (s)he already has a large head and little tiny hands. (S)he had a heart rate of 169 bpm, which the RE seemed quite happy with. We graduated after this scan, which felt both wonderful and strange.

We’ve been at this clinic for a year and I know my RE, nurse, and even some of the office staff quite well. I am comfortable there, with the other infertiles. It’s strange to know we’re off to our regular OB, jumping back into the pool of “normals.” It’s a wonderful feeling that I am very grateful for, but it is a bit strange!

One thing I figure I’ll mention is spotting. I have had it on and off since becoming pregnant, with the worst moment happening about 5 1/2 weeks, when I had 2 actual drops of bright red blood in the toilet. I had been straining (TMI) and my nurse told me it all sounds okay. And it was! Since then I’ve gone about a week with absolutely nothing, then a day or two of some dark brown spotting. And then many days that are clear, and then again- today I have had some brown. I am not overly concerned about it- it’s very light, it’s brown, we just had a great check-up, and I know this area is very sensitive and vascular in pregnancy. Still, I would be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me at all. It does. I don’t like seeing it when I wipe. I am going to ask my OB when I see her next week, but as far as my RE is concerned, it’s nothing he particularly worries about.

Anyway. Fatigue is still quite present and my boobs are sore (and they’re fuller!). Occasional nausea is there, but it seems less bad than a week or two ago. Our next scan is next Wednesday, so in 5 days, with my OB. Seeing L.R. on the big screen and hearing his/her heartbeat is the best feeling in the world, and these 5 days can’t come soon enough!