8 weeks, 4 days: I Love This Community

Today I checked the mail and received something very special from a fellow infertility blogger– The EcoFeminist! Inside the envelope was a beautiful print from one of her favorite local artists, Tamara Adams.


Aimee, I can’t thank you enough! The print is beautiful and I will hang it in my office (I work from home). But I also hope one day to move it to a nursery 🙂

So lucky to have found a great supportive community like this as we all faced and continue to face something very life-altering and challenging. So much gratitude for found friendships.

Two more days until my next sonogram….

8 Weeks Today

I am a full 2 months pregnant today with something that appears to be an actual peanut! Haha.

I got a bit nervous yesterday that I was really piling on the pounds. I had gained 2 lbs in the past month, which for my body weight/height apparently puts me at the high-end of acceptable weight gain thus far. Then I ate Chick-Fil-A and a cupcake. Wasn’t my best moment.

The good news is I scaled back on dinner and watched what I was eating and I woke up this morning seemingly having lost some of the bloat. So going forward, I’ll do my best but will try to not be so hard on myself for giving into my cravings. Sidenote: I convinced myself I deserve a cupcake for every day survived under a Drumpf presidency. But thats not too healthy to sustain 🙂

Mr Upside and I told our parents on Wednesday. We went back and forth on whether to tell them this early, but ultimately decided they will have to be there for us no matter what- including if something goes wrong. My MIL was in town Wed and we had dinner with her. My husband prepared her a little card and stuck an ultrasound photo inside it. Watching her reaction at dinner was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Getting past her initial shock took a while, but then she was just so elated and over the moon. We called my FIL and my parents next. My mom yelled for quite a long time 🙂

Our next scan is in 6 days. The waits are excruciating! But I know it will only get longer and longer between scans and appointments. Trying to center myself to get me through the days. I want you to know I took some of y’alls advice on getting a little bit more active 🙂 I did a small 10 min set of prenatal yoga (on youtube) on Wednesday and then yesterday I went for a 30 minute walk. I want to try to keep this up as much as possible, because gentle activity can only be good for me and Little Rabbit. I imagine it will also help my anxiety.

Every day I share my body with this little one is a blessing.

Food Aversions and Another Scan

Upside here, reporting live from 7 weeks, 4 days. I’m so excited to be 8 weeks on Friday. And then 10 weeks 2 Fridays after that. Why is it the even numbers seem like more important milestones? Every day is one, I suppose.

My slight queasiness and food aversions are getting stronger. Fish is the worst for me. I can barely type the word out without feeling affected. The only thing that makes me feel totally comforted is carbs. Like, big bowls of cereal, rice, noodles, etc. Honestly its all making me feel relatively unhealthy. Today I had a bagel + cereal for breakfast and ordered Pei Wei for lunch. This is not how I ate pre-pregnancy.

I’m torn between saying 1) I should give myself a break for the 1st trimester since nausea is so prominent and feeling well and energized is so touch and go and 2) trying to force myself to eat better for my own health/weight and for Little Rabbit’s.

On top of this, I havent been doing yoga. I’ve been a combination of too scared that some of the poses would have a negative effect and too gross-feeling to do some vinyasa flow. As such, I have pretty much lost my flexibility- I tried to touch my toes and let’s just say it’s a bit harder than it was a month ago.

In other news, yesterday I had a bit of a worry about a possible infection. I had some yellow discharge and emailed my nurse about it. I wasn’t too worried, but upon googling I saw that you should let your doctor know about anything that is a color other than white. I expected to get the same response I had been getting for month now- something like “that is normal, just keep an eye and make sure you aren’t bleeding, etc.” Instead my nurse said it’S NOT common and could be sign of infection. Infections can hurt the baby if left alone. Blergh.

It took me a bit to get in with my OBGYN, whom I had not seen in a year. (Side note: this all would have been much easier if my clinic could have seen me. I get that vaginal infections aren’t their ‘speciality’ but REs are DOUBLE board certified in Gyn & RE, right? So…okay then). I spent some time panicking about it already hurting the baby before the call back that let me go in around 2 pm. It was somewhat surreal to be back and..actually pregnant.

Good news is my OB felt fairly sure it was NOT an infection, but discoloration from accumulation of white blood cells that happens during early pregnancy. But he took a swab anyway and I should hear back in a few days for sure. But while I was there, I snuck in another scan!

Sweet Little Rabbit seemed to have caught up to the due date OG since Friday- (s)he was tracking 7 weeks 3 days with a gorgeous heartbeat of 150bpm. I have to say, (s)he looked huge on the screen! Like so much bigger than just Friday- doubling in size about. So, I can’t say for sure that I ovulated later. I imagine growth does not track exactly the same during these early weeks. But the most important thing was how my OB said “We love your RE but we don’t need him anymore. Looks like a healthy pregnancy to me!”

He told me to book for a week later- but since I still have my final goodbyes with my RE scheduled for next Thursday, I opted to book TWO weeks later. So Feb 8th I will be going into my OB’s office for my first OB appt. It’s just incredible.

Food aversions and carbo-loading, I’ll take it. I just love this peanut and am so thankful. Every day I feel slightly more optimistic that this really might be my take-home baby.

We have a heartbeat!

Little Rabbit’s first sonogram was this morning. So while the rest of the country is focused on..you know what- Mr Upside and I got to distract ourselves by the excitement and anxiety of preparing for our first sono.

Good news: we have a real live baby in there! No more fears about blighted ovum or whatever else I concocted when anxiety got the best of me. Yolk sac, everything looks good.

Baby is measuring 6.6 mm, or about 6 weeks 4 days, but I’m estimated to be 7 weeks based on my last menstrual period. Still, the measurements could be off, or, more likely, I didnt actually ovulate on CD 14. In fact, I’m not sure I ever ovulated at CD 14 when I tested. Back in the days of OPKs and LH surges, I always ovulated “late.” Sometimes even CD 21 or so (although thats clearly not the case here). So, really, I may not be at 7 weeks after all. Who knows.

What we DO know is that Little Rabbit has a beautiful heartbeat- 125 bpm- and the best music I could ask for. It was so surreal.

So, we have to go back in 2 weeks to get our second scan to see the growth. It’s going to be difficult to make it 2 weeks with no news- no betas, no ultrasounds, nothing. Still, hearing that beautiful heartbeat will keep me going. So much love. All I can do is keep pushing forward and hoping for the best for my little one.

6 1/2 Weeks

My fourth and final beta was drawn today. It came in at 39,007!  Nurse says everything looks good and will call after my RE has a chance to review. SO beyond grateful and happy, especially to retire from the beta draws- they’re nerve-wracking. Those 5ish hours of waiting for the call- ugh!

We are still on track for our first sonogram this Friday, right before noon. Would appreciate any good vibes for a strong healthy heartbeat. (We are ignoring what else is happening that day…) POSITIVE VIBES ONLY.

I am starting to breathe more…little by little each time. But 6 1/2 weeks is still so early.

Symptoms: For the first time, I have started to feel a bit of queasiness. It started this past Saturday, then got better the next day, and it really seems to be intermittent. Saturday it was fairly constant- I even made my own ginger syrup (boiled a cup of ginger with water, added some honey) to add to my sparkling water when I felt off. The nausea was very mild the next two days, though. Today I got queasy after eating a bowl of cereal- although most people say they get nauseated when they don’t eat, it seems like mine comes more after a meal. I think that’s why they say small and frequent- don’t stuff your stomach quickly. Still, I am thrilled for every symptom I have. They are all worth it.

And now? Now I am trying to be a better employee. Through all this excitement and anxiety, fatigue and repeated illness, I’ve had a hard time with focus at work. Well, that coupled with the fact that the promotion I was told I’d get in 2016 didnt happen….yeah, moving on. Anyway. With the political and economic climate the way it is these days, it’s even more important for me to be on my game (I work for an agency that does community development work- I do a lot of research on low income communities). Trying to be mindful of how I am feeling, what I can and cannot control will help.

Little Rabbit, keep growing and growing.

Thyroid Frustrations (!!!)

So I got my TSH back today- it was a day delayed from my beta. My TSH came in at a 2.4. And my RE told me he recommends continuing my same dosage of Synthroid.

..Except everything I have read/heard basically says 2.5 is the cut-off for elevated risk. That women in the first trimester with TSH levels over 2.5 are at increased risk for loss.

So, WHAT?! How is the solution to continue my previous dosage?? I get that it’s not PAST 2.5, but it is as close as a reading could get. It has increased maybe 0.8 in the past 9 months, and there is reason to expect it to continue to elevate.

I have trusted everything they have said during the year at my clinic, but this is stressful me out and doesn’t make sense. I fired off an email to my nurse to double check this, and to say I’m uncomfortable with it- and I’m on the verge of self-medicating here.

OK, calm down. Calm down. What do y’all think?

Baby Fever

I’ll cut to the chase this time: my beta rose perfectly. I’m somewhere around 5 weeks, 4 days with a beta of 8,755. I am deeply, deeply thankful.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up with aches all over my body. Then came the chills. I got concerned that a fever could be bad for the baby so I bought a nicer thermometer than the ones we have lying around the house- those I used to temp with more than a year ago! (Crazy to remember that- temping every morning actually made me a crazy person with anxiety, and I’m glad I quit it way back when).

My first reading was 100.4. Then I got up to 101.2. I was in one of those feverish states, rolling around in my bed shaking and talking to myself. A real shame Mr Upside had to work today and couldn’t take care of me!

So I called my nurse and she told me taking Tylenol was fine, and to go to the doctor to make sure I didnt have an infection that would require pregnancy-safe antibiotics. So I took 1 pill instead of 2 and honestly I feel…not great but more human than earlier. And I went off to urgent care at my GP, where I was subjected to a crazy flu test involving long, thin Q-tips being shoved ALL THE WAY- all the way- up each nostril. It was one of the craziest feelings! Leave it to me to continue to pile on more insane medical tests even outside the fertility clinic.

Anyway, I don’t have the flu. And they say I don’t have an infection, like bronchitis, strep, pneumonia- so that’s great. Cant say they were too helpful beyond that, but its pretty difficult to diagnose a typical cold virus, so hey.

I just want to get back to feeling better- not exposing Little Rabbit to my body’s extra high temps, or rolling around in bed unable to work, etc. But all in all, even with how AWFUL I have felt today- and its been rough- I wouldn’t trade it for anything, since I know that my beta is good and Little Rabbit nicely, safely nestled in me.

5 Weeks Today

I am thrilled to be 5 weeks pregnant today. This is, of course, based off the usual “first day of last menstrual period” calculation, and is less specific than FET- I don’t know when I ovulated, or when Little Rabbit was conceived. This all seems strange to me, but to the majority of women, this is completely normal!

I’ve been having intermittent cramps since like..week 4 maybe? I hear this is probably uterus stretching, hormone changes, etc. I also had some spotting as I mentioned before, which is almost all gone but still occurs a few times a day. Very very light. My RE basically told me this is all normal, and just to watch if it gets heavy and red.

My mood has been dominated by anxiety. Peppered in with some joy/excitement of course. But I think all women with infertility feel this way- anxious, nervous, wondering if this is going to be okay or if we’ll get more bad news. I downloaded some pregnancy affirmation listening tools and am trying to let them sink in. But given that I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder my whole life, this is quite a struggle.

Time moves slowly when you want it to move fast. I want to be 6 weeks. Then 8- 8 weeks would be a big one.

My next beta is Tuesday. But I have been testing basically every morning to calm myself- so far its worked! But I know this is a dangerous game to play- comparing lines to what they were a day ago.

Anyway. Thank you all SO much for your congratulatory comments! I really appreciate all the prayers and good vibes. We’re here and we’re staying hopeful every day.


New Year, BIG Surprises

It’s strange for me to be writing this post. I hope whatever words I use won’t hurt anyone who reads this. I’m very nervous and confused.

And thankful.

I started spotting on Christmas day. It was too early for my period- or at least I thought, but its kind of hard to know since I was on a natural, unmedicated cycle for the first time in over a year. I told Mr Upside that I hoped my full flow would hold off for a few days longer. We were about to hop on a plane to California and if I got my period early, I worried it would mess up the timing for my estradiol and baseline for my forthcoming FET.

Well, it did hold off. The spotting continued for a few days and I chalked it up to my well-known progesterone issues.

Then the spotting stopped.

Then it came back. Brown and tacky.

We flew back from California on Dec 30. On New Year’s Eve, I went about my business preparing for dinner and cocktails with Mr Upside that night- keeping it low key.

At that point, I was what I calculated to be a few days late. On a whim, I casually pulled out a Wondfo and half-heartedly peed on it. I’d been down this road before- but hey. Why not. Then I hopped in the shower and forgot about it for a bit. When I looked, there was a faint pink line.

Which I chalked up to an evap. I hadnt looked at it in the right time frame. But it is hard to squash hope when it rises in your chest.

So an hour later, I took a FRER.

There were two lines.

I was shaking and lightheaded. I called Mr Upside down from the upstairs and he looked at them. “Um, I think we’re pregnant,” he said. I called my on-call IVF nurse and told her I had just tested. She was floored and told me to get a beta the next day. So, my NYE was alcohol-free and I got up at 7 am to drive to the only lab open to get my blood draw.

My beta was 177. I. Am. PREGNANT.

I just had my second beta results: 483. I AM STILL PREGNANT.

I was shaking and crying when I first got those lines. Now, I am stunned, flabbergasted, in disbelief.

A year and a half of infertility…failed femara, triggers, IUIs, even IVF/FET. And when I didnt temp, when I didnt time anything- I got pregnant.

I am 4 weeks and 4 days today. It is SO SO early and anything could happen and I am acutely aware of that. But for someone who has never seen 2 lines in my life, I am beyond shocked and thankful for this little miracle.

I nicknamed it Little Rabbit. I have a habit of trying to wake up in the new year saying “Rabbit Rabbit” for good luck. I think its a british thing? Anyway, I did so the morning of 2017, hours before my beta.

Little Rabbit, my big miracle, please grow healthy and strong.