Good Riddance, ERA Biopsy

I just had my (HOPEFULLY FINAL) biopsy. Holy hell, it hurt worse than last time- and last time was bad. The problem it seemed, was that my cervix was too tight and uncooperative and my uterus was in hiding. My RE tried 5 different catheters and finally had to resort to PRYING my cervix open with some medieval torture device, and then sucking the lining from my uterus.

It. Was. Awful.

I screamed and yelped. And then he DIDN’T get enough after the first try so he went back in there. Good lord.

The chances are high that I will find out I am receptive and I won’t have to push it to another day. Even so, if I am still pre-receptive, no one apparently ever goes past 2 days off the typical window, so they treat you as a day eight-er regardless.

Honestly I think my body was trying to protect itself from what it knew was going to happen. Oy.

So, now I am on provera for a few days, then I get a natural cycle in December, then a hopeful FET in January.

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was very nice- but the holidays are indeed a strange time. Just all the family stuff, people posting pics of their new babies, announcing pregnancies, etc- it really is tough.

My mind’s made up 

I can’t thank y’all enough for your thoughtful comments on yesterday’s post. I’ve come to a decision.

I’m going to stick with the biopsy Monday. 

It was so so hard to give up the opportunity to transfer. But at the end of the day I understood what all of you were saying. And the reality is those 6 embryos are my little (potential) babies and as their mom I at least owe it to them to give them as much information as I can and to provide them with the best possible environment. 

So, biopsy Monday (ugh) and natural cycle in Dec for a planned FET January. I so appreciate every one of you. 

A Stressful Choice

…And here I was thinking I wouldn’t have to make a choice the rest of the year!

I had my lining check today- she’s a beaut, as usual. My RE actually told me we didnt have to do a second biopsy- that we could transfer on MONDAY. Basically he said he personally has never had a patient go past 1 day pre-receptivity, and even though its possible, its very unlikely. So basically we could save $1,000, save the pain, and save the waiting. And transfer on Monday. And if it failed again, we could biopsy in Dec/Jan again, if we choose, bc the lab doesn’t need to be open for that.

My immediate reaction was a bit of panic, because I was NOT prepared to possibly have a transfer next week.

My second reaction was OMG OF COURSE I’LL DO IT

My third was wait…Mr Upside can’t come on Monday.

My fourth was “that’s okay, there is no guarantee he could come to one in January either given his schedule”

My fifth was…what if it fails again?

My sixth was “it could fail at ANY point and it wouldn’t be your fault.”

My seventh was “but I wasn’t emotionally prepared for this”

My eighth was “ha, maybe that is a good thing..”

And now here I am, about to drive to my parents for Thanksgiving with no clue what to do. Six embryos remain.

 

Pre-Receptive: Taking My Own Sweet Time

ERA results are in. I am pre-receptive! In a way this makes perfect sense- for a gal who stayed in the womb 2 weeks past the due date, got her 6 year molars at, like, 11- it seems like sometimes I just take a while to get where I am going.

I have very mixed feelings about this information. On one hand, I hate to know I have to do another biopsy (I don’t remember if I blogged about the biopsy here- it was awful). And I also HATE that I will be extra delayed as my lab shuts down in Dec-Jan for cleaning. So if I didnt get it in now, I’d have to wait a whole extra month.

On the OTHER hand, I have, for the first time, found a test that shows me as abnormal. A test that can dictate a change in protocol, something to treat. Up until now, I have been so unexplained in every possible way that it was frustrating- there really wasn’t anything science could tell me to do that could treat a specific issue.

Mr Upside is thrilled with this news- it represents to him a reason for our failures. I am cautiously optimistic about it-emphasis on the cautiously. I know that it doesn’t fix everything 100% of the time. But I’m happy to have more information, and I am so glad I did the test. It’s crazy to think I could have just kept going and failed like 5 more times without knowing any of this.

Next steps? Continuing to focus on self-care. It’s been huge for me every day since we lost our embryo. I work at it every day, but I’m not in the darkness of depression anymore. Yoga has been a HUGE part of this.

My next biopsy will be next Monday, the 28th. The first one was shockingly painful, but the good news is that I really didn’t cramp throughout the day. It was really just the procedure itself. Anything to get me closer to my goal.

 

The Personal is Political

This is an infertility blog. But oh well, it’s mine.

I have had a lot of loss this year. Most of it fertility related- yall already know that. I lost my grandmother too. Two weeks ago I lost my cat- he was with me for more than half my life. He was 18 and my parents had to put him down.

But today is another loss. And it is hitting me just as hard as many of those other losses that have happened. Those that are more personal.

But isn’t this personal? That people selected a man bragging about sexual assault over the first female president?

Its going to be okay. 65.6 million people voted against him in some way, either for Hillary, Johnson, Stein, or a write-in. Millions more were against than for.

I was planning on writing on update about my ERA biopsy sometime soon.

But what has just happened? It is a loss in my heart, too.