This is Just Fitting

So I went to Target today to buy some ice packs and a lunch box cooler– I will have to travel with my Gonal-F so I needed supplies. It’s also hard for me to pass up Target’s women’s clothing section when I go, so of course I stopped by.

I parked my big shopping cart next to a row of shirts. I found a tank top I liked and threw it in, then wandered to the next rack.

About 2 minutes later, a visibly pregnant woman with 2 small children came rolling around the corner, her kids sitting in her cart. She saw my cart, but apparently not me– she loudly said “okay kids, let’s switch carts! I don’t like the wheels on this one.” Rather than walk the 20 feet back to the row of shopping carts at the entrance, she just picked up her kids and plopped them down in my cart. She tossed off my tank top into her old “broken” one.

I just stood there staring at her. I really didnt even think of doing or saying anything. I just stopped and stared. Because of course she did that. Because of course a pregnant woman with 2 kids deserved my shopping cart, while I was there to pick up some coolers for my IVF meds. Of course I was invisible. Because it’s so perfectly fitting and makes sense.

Hope you enjoyed my well-oiled cart, lady. I just wheeled your slightly askew cart around and made it work. Like I always do.

San Diego Hiatus

My MIL booked me a surprise ticket to join the family in San Diego this weekend. It’s so beautiful by the ocean and nice to be with family and I knew it’d be good for the soul.

And so it has been. The beach, the salt water, the sunsets, the crisp air- a nice change of pace as I am now 4 days away from my baseline and obsessing about all my IVF, egg quality concerns.

My SIL and BIL have 2 little girls and it’s nice to spend time with them, but it also hurts to see how easy some people have had it in terms of growing a family. It’s hard to avoid thinking about my infertility around them, worrying that I may never get this. 

I told my BIL and SIL at dinner and they asked me some questions about IVF. My sweet sis in law suggested that she could put me in contact with some coworkers who have also gone through IVF. 

I’ve always known they were debating having a 3rd child, but haven’t talked much about it with them. Last night my BIL and I took a walk and he talked to me about how they conceived their 2 girls on the first try, but when they went to try for a 3rd they had 4 or 5 months with no luck and so they put plans on hiatus. EXCUSE ME? I love the guy but I CANT EVEN with him about that. How are you going to tell an actual infertile family member that 4 months for your 3rd bio child is hard on you? I swear, some people really don’t get it.

I guess they’re going to try again in a bit and get pregnant and I’m absolutely dreading it, sadly. It’s so hard to be around family who is overly fertile when Mr Upside and I may never have children. Every pregnancy is like a punch in the gut right now, and knowing my MIL only has grandkids from 1 side is even tougher. 

Acupuncture and Paperwork

So I went to my first acupuncture appointment today! She told me I had a “cold uterus” and stuck like 44 needles in me. It was actually really relaxing! I spent 30 minutes face down and then 30 min on my back. I am not sure I believe in the efficacy of the treatment, but it is, at the very least, a relaxing hour in my day. Also, 90% of the needles didnt hurt going in, but as soon as she stuck one in my right leg, the bottom of my foot felt this crazy surge of energy or something, which was pretty weird and fascinating! I really like my acupuncturist. She also told me, while looking at my chart and background, that I really might have egg quality issues. Which just confirmed my biggest concerns right now. She doesn’t know for sure, of course, and she’s not an RE, but it was something she immediately said.

I just don’t know what I will do if we go through all of this and have 0 PGS normal day 5 blasts. I mean, I really might lose it. And there’s nothing I can do to figure it out in advance. This is so hard to go through and people on the outside really don’t have a clue.

Anyway, then Mr Upside and I met at our clinic and signed our official paperwork with our IVF nurse. Got to go over some really cheery stuff about what to do with our embryos if we divorce or die.  But honestly, signing the paperwork was another check off the list and another step forward on this journey to what I eventually believe will be a baby. I hope and hope and hope and will try what I can for it to be genetically ours, but, if its not- it will still be a baby. I hope. One day.

Came back to do some work on the couch and snuggle with my cat. The best support system there is!

Egg Quality Woes

I have been having a really hard time lately.

Well, to be fair, just the past 2 days.

I have my IVF protocol. I was nervous and overwhelmed but ready to tackle everything. And then…well, it’s hard to say exactly what made my mind collapse, but certainly the catalyst was the following:

I’ve been talking to a girl on the RESOLVE boards since January. We have pretty similar backgrounds and diagnoses. Early 30s, largely unexplained, and short luteal phases. Hers are like 8-9 days, mine are like 9-10. Her RE, in Michigan, is convinced luteal phase defect (LPD) = poor egg quality. In theory it makes sense- the corpus luteum is of too poor a quality to sustain progesterone for 14 or even 12 days.

Anyway, she skipped IUI and went straight to IVF. I just heard back from her yesterday, with terrible news: although 14 eggs fertilized and 13 made it to day 3, ZERO made it to day 5. None at all. So yes, she has poor egg quality.

She is going to try one more round and then move onto donor egg.

I am heartbroken for her, but it also sent me into a tailspin about my own prospects. I don’t have a diagnosis. Everything that has been tested seems largely okay. I have a LPD. I had 4 eggs last cycle. took progesterone, and NONE implanted. Doesn’t it seem like egg quality could be the top issue?

I just lost it this morning. I went to yoga and then left and immediately bawled for hours. I can’t go through this just to realize that my eggs aren’t babies at all. That they’re shit quality and I have to either adopt or use a donor egg.

I know its way too early to be thinking of this since I don’t know, but my heart is sinking and my gut thinks “hmm, yeah, this could really be it.”

My RE doesn’t think LPD = poor egg quality, but she doesn’t seem to offer a better explanation.

Anyway. I am trying to keep myself together through the next month to get to retrieval. And then take it from there.

Here’s my timeline:

BCP from now until July 29.

Baseline July 29: if all is well, then…stop BCP, and start taking Gonal-F

Stimming starts Aug 4th. 

First sonogram Aug 8th.

Estimated retrieval date August 16. (Give or take a few days).

Trying to stop a meltdown over here. I really appreciate all of you. xx.

7 DPIUI, Eh?

I’m all packed up. Mr Upside and I are set to leave on a 7 am flight tomorrow to head to Quebec for the holiday weekend. We really need it.

I am 7DPIUI today and trying to not lose my mind. I have been having a weird twinge of groin pain- but its not in the “right spot” for it to be any sort of “positive” sign. I don’t have any nausea, NO sore boobs, nothing. Nada. I had a small spotting episode- very light- this morning. I promptly freaked out for a few hours, but I also realized that progesterone suppositories can irritate the cervix and cause some bleeding. Which is just REALLY hilarious since I’m on progesterone suppositories to prevent spotting in the first place!

This shit is just really something else, huh?

I am worried about getting my hopes up this cycle. I don’t want to come crashing down when it’s negative. I want to instead prepare myself for IVF.

And I want to have a nice trip away. I am packing 2 pregnancy tests to bring with me in Canada so that I can test before I leave with my husband there. I hope I get through whatever news it is.