Musings on 6DPIUI

I know this is silly. On multiple levels. But:

I had some positive feelings this time– maybe because it’s my final cycle before IVF. Maybe it’s because I had 4 mature follicles. But I felt what I hadn’t in previous IUIs: hope.

I will say that waking up at 6 DPIUI, I have less and less every morning. I can’t hep it but– I always felt like I would have a sense that something was happening, as it got closer. Maybe not day 3, but days 5, 6, etc.

And I feel nothing. Just some mild random twinges, which have happened in other cycles.

I know its early, but my hope is fading. It’s tough when you don’t have a diagnosis. Why won’t it work?

I may have to wait till IVF to find out.

If, at all.

Four Eggs and an IUI

Update!

I went in for my CD 13 scan on Wednesday and found out I have 4 mature follicles. :-O I triggered that night and am going in for my IUI in about an hour.

Four is many more than I’d had before. Which is great. Really. Except that it’s about 45 minutes until my IUI and my ovaries are soooooo sore. Ovulating 4 eggs feels way different than 1! Which leads me to…how am I going to get through IVF??? The goal is to have a lot more than 4 mature eggs and it’s painful with just 4! Yikes. Any tips???

Anyway, there is a slim chance I won’t even need any IVF because who knows? Maybe one of these will stick.

Unlikely. But possible.

Change is Coming

Change has been brewing over here for the past month or so. Not with any pregnancy status updates. Just with some personal choices. Namely, the decision to be completely open about our IF struggle.

A few weeks ago I had a bachelorette party for a friend. The other women attending were a bit older and all moms. All moms but me and the bride. The conversation centered almost entirely on pregnancy plans and child raising. It was somewhat hellish for me. I couldn’t escape it. And yet, I couldn’t really expect anyone to understand my sensitivity– since I hadn’t told them.

In the aftermath, I have realized that keeping my infertility entirely a secret has been more detrimental than helpful for me. I’m not sure why we keep these things private- maybe because its such a personal issue, maybe because of embarrassment, maybe because we don’t think anyone will understand. And maybe they won’t. But- maybe they will.

A few of my relationships have changed for the better after opening up about IF. And even those that haven’t changed for the better– well, I still don’t regret telling. I can’t regret it. At least they know. I did my part. It’s on them to decide how to react next.

I have decided not to hide it anymore. I want to educate people, and I think it will help a lot to see a face like mine. Someone they know.

So I have a few things brewing- an article to write, maybe. An announcement to make. My husband is on board– “the choice is yours,” he said. “Anything to make you cope better.” My emotions had been so all over the map and tough to control (and  I think the progesterone gave me depression). I want to take control over this one part, even if its small.

I’m still in the follicular phase of IUI #3– getting a scan on Wednesday. After that, I’ll get my IUI and we are going to vacation (!!!) When I return, assuming IUI is not a success, we are heading straight to the IVF path. Egg retrieval should happen late August maybe? I’ll keep everyone updated. Feeling slightly more at peace.

 

On to Number 3….

So, unsurprisingly our IUI #2 failed. I started to assume as much in the past week, so waking up to a BFN and period was less of a shock. It was my first cycle on progesterone and wasn’t as bad as I thought.

I am okay. When I got my period, I just sighed and moved on. But then there are moments when I’m not together.

I found out yesterday a friend who started trying in January is due October. That was a one hit wonder.

It just brings me low. I’ve said many times that fertility doesn’t take place in a meritocracy. That like so many other things in life, it isn’t fair. But yesterday, the news hit me like a grenade and I stayed on the couch all day.

I’m obviously happy for them on some level. We aren’t close or anything- more just like someone I see in social gatherings. But I’ve been here more than a year and nothing?

I have an ultrasound Monday for my baseline. Fingers crossed for no cysts. And I also want to talk to my RE about next steps. Which probably means IVF. Which is okay. I think I’ll be ready when the time comes. It was always this thing in my mind- this milestone to reach. “If I can just get to IVF I can have my baby..” Now that its almost here, I am dealing with the reality. Nothing is for sure.