Happy Crampy Memorial Day Weekend

Good morning all- Happy Saturday! I just had IUI #2 and am curled up on the couch watching Lifetime because I am oh-so-crampy. Had a different RE today because its the weekend, so I had to use the on-call RE. He was nice but couldn’t get my cervix to line up properly for a min so it took a bit longer. Anyway, I could immediately tell when the insemination started bc I was like OH HI CRAMPS!

Only had 18 million sperm because we had sex last night. We were feeling happy and frisky and I didn’t want yet another thing to get in the way of normal married life and so we decided it was best to go for it, especially since he hasn’t had any issues producing. 18 million is still fine, even though its much less than Mr Upside usually has. I don’t regret it.

Starting progesterone Tuesday night. Other than that just trying to have a relaxing weekend with my husband and cat. Hoping the cramping will subside, but hey, it could be worse. (WISH i could take some Midol though!)

Hope everyone else has something nice planned for the long weekend.

And so begins the TWW.

IUI #2: The Little Eggy the Could?

Well, it’s CD 16.

Sorry I’ve been so quiet these past 2 weeks or so- I guess not a bunch has been going on. Had a pretty quiet week after taking my femara. Went in for my CD 13 ultrasound and had a couple follicles- my lead was 15 mm. Since I wasn’t quite ready, I went back in today, CD 16.

The good news is my 15 mm lead follie turned into a 22 mm lead follie! It was huge on the screen. However, no other follicles made it. The next biggest is about 13.

I’m going to trigger tonight and go in Saturday for IUI #2. I’ve only got 1 egg. So there’s even LESS of a chance this one will work out. But let’s do this thing. The quicker it comes, the closer I get to my likely IVF path.

Cyst-Free is the New BFP

It’s amazing how seamlessly we adjust to our circumstances. How we bend and fold to our new expectations. How everything is relative.

Given that I have never seen a BFP in my entire life, I can’t say I know what that’s like. However, I do know the feeling of your RE giving you the go-ahead for a next cycle, with healthy well-behaved ovaries!

The past 5 days were a confusing bunch. I was starting my period or I wasn’t; I was taking progesterone or it was too late. I traveled for work and spend the time in between my conference sessions emailing with my nurse about the heaviness of my flow. Finally, we came to an agreement that yes, this really was my period, yes, the HPT was negative, and yes I could come in for a baseline ultrasound.

I spent all day Friday worried about my 4 PM appointment for my baseline. I had been here before- with femara + the trigger shot back in February and it led to early bleeding, short LP and cysts. Cysts = a canceled cycle. Thats the last time I had a really bad breakdown about my IF issues and so I was so desperate to avoid a repeat of that. I practiced some meditation, talked with my husband, and basically made a deal with myself that if I had cysts, I could do something spontaneous or special- like take off for a short trip, get a spa day– something I wouldn’t normally do, but felt I deserved on a canceled cycle.

I talked myself up about it the whole day- so imagine my surprise then my RE stuck in the wand, moved it around and then said “we’re all clear! Ovaries look good so let’s get you started on femara.”

!!! I can’t tell you how elated I was- I had practically convinced myself that I would have cysts and would have to forgo treatment for June. It took me a while to process, actually!

I was on a high the rest of that night- going forward with IUI #2 really means that I am moving closer and closer to what I view as the inevitability of IVF, and my future baby. How is it possible that a cyst-free scan can make you feel so happy, can make you feel successful, almost pregnant? Low expectations can be wonderful after all. Day 5 and keeping the faith for the next few weeks. Here’s to IUI cycle #2!

CD 35/CD 1

So I started spotting last night. Last night, I kinda knew it was all over so I took a lot of deep breaths and hugged my husband and we went out for drinks.

This morning I awoke to some more bleeding. I’d say its somewhere between spotting and a full flow. Fully expecting my period to 100% come later that day, I called my RE. When the nurse called me back she had interested things to say. “Your lining looked so beautiful! It’s only 9 days later! It’s too early!” I fought back the urge to say “um, yeah, lady, welcome to my life!”

She talked to my RE and they called in a prescription for progesterone suppositories. They want me to take that for 4 days and then ‘test’ on Sunday. I am just so baffled as to why I am delaying the inevitable.

The flow got a bit heavier, but I picked up my prescription and…inserted. :-O

So here I am. I’m either CD 35 or CD 1. In fact I won’t even know what CD 1 really would be unless my bleeding stops. I already know I’m not pregnant, but I’m just going to try to ignore this whole situation until Sunday when I FINALLY can call my RE back and just say, “hey. I’m not pregnant for REAL. Can we now get this show on the road?”

My mind is just SPINNING. I feel like I worked on my emotions this cycle and finally made peace with its failure. But then I can’t even grieve on the proper timeline? I can’t make peace with it when I think it makes sense?

Why do I feel like I am constantly in limbo?

#MicroblogMondays: First Mother’s Day as an Infertile

microblog_mondays

So yesterday was Mother’s Day, obviously. It was also my first one as a full-fledged infertile person. This time last year, I wasn’t yet diagnosed.

I knew that the day would be hard. I took precautions to avoid emotional landmines and ended up having a nice time. I sent my husband off to see his mom with a card packed from me to her. Then I drove up to see my parents and brought my sweet cat. He made me a fur mom and I know it isn’t the same but yet- when I look at him- some of the brokenness inside me really does heal.

We spent time with my grandma, and then my mom & dad and I got brunch. Then I drove back home with my little lion and my husband flew back from surprising his mom last night and we had such a nice Upside Family evening all together ❤ Through all this trial and tribulation, I would not trade them for the world (or, easy fertility).

IUI #1

Well, IUI #1 is under my belt! I had my Ovidrel shot overnighted to me from some specific pharmacy, per my insurance instructions. It came in a REALLY intimidating box and inside a giant foil bag. The above photo is the shot itself.

Mr Upside gave me my trigger a little after 6 pm on Saturday evening. I thought it might involve a bit of yelling, on both our parts 😉 — but we were a great team! I’m sure I could have given it to myself, but I felt like it just made more sense to do it together, so my husband could be involved as well. Hmm, maybe I’ll write a post on that in the future..

Anyway, I started getting a lot of twinges of pain around both ovaries Sunday afternoon/evening- which I assume was my follicles rapidly growing. Then today I went in for the IUI!

The whole thing went really quickly. It took only about 1 minute for the actual procedure, then another 10 minutes to lie down on the table awkwardly with no pants on, while a kitchen timer was ticking down. Pretty amusing, really.

I’ve had some cramping after the IUI but its not too bad. Now all we do is sit and wait.

I’ve been so up and down though this whole cycle– feeling crushed that my follicles weren’t growing, feeling hopeful when they were- I don’t really know what to think. I’m certainly on board for another IUI, but part of me is also very impatient about a 3rd or a 4th…especially since stats are so low. I guess we’ll just wait and see. I mean, hey- who knows- its unlikely this one will be successful, but its certainly a possibility.

xx.

 

**PS. As I was leaving, the receptionist said “Its always a good idea to have sex the night after!” I have to be honest- I am pretty crampy and tired and not exactly in a mood! Hoping that if I opt out it wouldn’t hurt our changes….