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Cyster, Cyster

Womp womp. I went in for my baseline on Friday afternoon- actually, at 5 PM. Had to fight Friday evening traffic. My RE basically told me it’s 50/50 odds that I’d have cysts or not. I figure with 21 eggs, the chances are a lot higher than when I only had 2 or 3.

Right side looked okay at first glance…then he moved to the left. There was no mistaking that giant black blob on the screen: definitely a gigantic 24-mm cyst. As it turns out, that wasn’t my only one though. I also have 2 small ones on my right side- but they are complex, meaning they are a combination of fluid and blood (gross, sorry), and on the sonogram they look grey and less obvious. Turns out my left ovary is a bit swollen on top of things. None of this is surprising to REs, I guess.

Anyway. As my RE said, “embryos are too precious to risk on a less than perfect environment.”

So, any September transfer hopes are off. And that’s okay. But I can’t pretend I’m not a little bit bummed, even though I feel a little guilty about that. I have gotten such incredible news about my 7. Five boys and two girls (which is a little surprising in itself). But this sense of waiting and sitting around never seems to stop with IF, and you know, best laid plans…

So my goal now is to shrink these 3 cysts into oblivion. My RE put me back on birth control, so I’ll take that for about 2 1/2 weeks. I go back on September 12 to see if they’re gone and if I can start Estradiol.

When I had my original cyst issue back in February, my life was very very different. I felt like I had little hope and no plans. I was still doing TI, not even IUI yet. And the thought of having no plans and no hope for even a medicated cycle was too much for me. I cried for like 3 days and felt depressed for the next week. It was so hard for me to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

And now? Now my light is so many things. My light is my husband. My cat. My family and friends who have been there for me since I opened up to them. My light is this blog, and the Instagram community. My relative health. And, without a doubt, my magnificent seven.

I can do this. I believe my body will absorb these cysts. I believe that in October, I will have a successful transfer. I believe I will have a baby.

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My [revised] Supreme Court

Last post, (and the one before) I wrote about my 9 embryos. I didn’t think I’d get my PGS results until next week at the earliest, but they came in today!

SEVEN of my nine were chromosomally normal!!! 

This is amazing news. I was shaking for so long after the call. My magnificent 7. The other 2 were completely “incompatible with life,” for which I am a little grateful, as they are not actually babies, and would never live, and therefore, destroying them isn’t any kind of weird moral complex.

So I no longer have the typical amount of Justices for the Supreme Court, but hey, Scalia passed away so there are only 8. I need to kick 1 more off, and I’d like it to be Thomas, because he sleeps through everything anyway, but, given my sex breakdown, it has to be a woman! I wouldn’t kick out RBG, so I guess I’ll kick out either Kagan or Sotomayer.

I’m obviously a gigantic nerd.

Other than that, I got my period today. It has been EXTREMELY heavy. Like, bleeding through everything. I have an ultrasound today at 5 pm (and I feel bad for my RE) to see if I have any cysts. Fingers crossed!

I am so so grateful. I can’t forget this.

 

 

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#MicroblogMondays: 31 and 9

Today is my birthday, and I’m 31. It’s funny because I definitely thought I’d have a kid before I hit this birthday, but it’s okay. I still hit a lot of other milestones- work, 2nd year of marriage, moving across the state, and IUI and most recently IVF.

What else makes this birthday nice is that I know I have 9 embryos waiting for me. I have my very own supreme court sitting in the freezer, giving me lots of hope and hopefully, options.

I won’t get the PGS results until some time next week. But obviously I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

Mr Upside is traveling for work, but getting back tomorrow. So birthday celebrations will have to wait. In the meantime, I’ll relax, work, and feel thankful that I am entering 31 with such good news and high hopes.

Move Over, Octomom

…and then there were 9.

NINE.

Nine embryos that made it to blast, biopsy & freeze.

I went from 3 yesterday to an extra 6 today. Pretty much shaking still from the phone call. When you have been dealing with IF for a year, you aren’t used to good news. Just in utter shock.

Will await the PGS results for another 2 weeks. Thank you to all you wonderful people who have been so supportive.

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THREE.

I have been so sick with anxiety and anticipation, and finally, my call came in. I have 3 embryos that have already been biopsied and frozen! And there are a couple more that may make it Sat or Sun! I can’t tell you how relieved I am. There are days when I am just so thankful. There is nothing else I can say.

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Schrodinger’s Ovaries

I am sitting here on a rainy Thursday, wondering how I will get through the next 30 hours. My day 5 results should come in tomorrow afternoon. This is the one I have been waiting for.

My day 3 update yesterday was good. 11 of the 13 embryos are 8-celled, at grades 1 through 2.5. Another little guy is 6 cells and grade 2, and my slacker is 5 cells and grade 3.

It occurred to me that if I don’t get an update tomorrow- if I never get one- then in my own universe, my 13 embryos are all still there, still alive, still growing strong.

Once I do hear, the reality of my universe will change. Things will be either good or bad, or just okay. I will know how many are strong and how many died off. It could be all of them. I will know, in some real sense, what my 13 embryos are actually doing. Are they alive? Have they arrested? Do they have still 6 cells? Have they hatched? It all rests on this phone call.

It made me think of Schrodinger and his cat. And the idea that- by looking into the bag- you will have in some sense “caused” the event to happen. Before Schrodinger looks, his cat is alive and dead, simultaneously, the reality of which he does not know. But by looking, he will, in some way, have killed the cat or willed it alive.

This entire time I have been worried about the time period between days 3 and 5. Anything could happen. But I can be like Schrodinger- and maybe not look. Then maybe it will be okay.

For now, I am existing in the space of both good news and bad. I picture myself getting each kind of news and living in that universe.

I am trying to be brave, strong, and distracted. To make it through today. To get to bed. To sleep. To wake up and try not to make myself sick waiting for that call.

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13 Embryos?

Got the maturity and fertilization call: 18 out of the 21 eggs were mature, and 13 of the 18 fertilized normally. There is 1 more guy that they are still waiting to see develop. So I could potentially have 14!

4 fertilized abnormally, which my RE said is an expected number.

I’m happy, I think. Honestly I know 13 is a great number, but I also have to be real: in the back of my mind, I am constantly worried about quality, which won’t be revealed until day 5. So although this update was nice news, I anxiously await Wednesday’s quality day 3 report, and even more anxiously await Friday’s day 5 news. I know plenty of people on online message boards who had numbers even better than mine are and ended up with 0 day 5s. So I am not at all out of the woods.

It’s all pretty scary. But the truth is that it is entirely out of my hands now. Come on, embryos. I love you already.

 

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Egg Retrieval Update

I am currently resting at home. My retrieval was at 8:45 this morning, but we did get started a little early. I have to say that the staff at my fertility surgery center was so lovely and sweet and made me feel more comfortable. My RE is actually out of town, so for the past week I have been seeing a male RE who is actually the founder of the practice.

I was a bit nervous to go under anesthesia- it had been a while- a decade or so. And that was just wisdom teeth, so no IV. But when I got wheeled away, my RE was really kind and rubbed my feet and told me I was doing a great job, and that everything was fine. The nurses were wonderful as well and adjusted me and then told me exactly when they were putting in the sleeping drugs. “You may feel a bit tingly,” one of them said. And about 30 seconds later I felt my whooooole face go tingly and numb and I was out like a light.

I woke up some time after, in my room, after being wheeled back. The first thing I said was “Oh….I thought I was with my cat!” The nurses giggled and kept bringing it up to me as I continued to awaken. It’s true though- I had just been dreaming about being snuggled up to my little buddy!

Mr Upside returned from delivering his “sample” about 1 minute later, and I was still in a major haze. Everyone helped me wake up a bit and I realized I had a lot of cramping. So, they gave me some IV meds and then some goldfish to fill my stomach and then I got a Percocet.

Oh, and in the meantime, my RE came back in the room to tell me I did a great job. And the # of eggs they got. Oh, did I bury the lede a bit? We got 21 eggs :) 

The next week will be a rollercoaster or sorts, most likely. I know that not all 21 will be mature or fertilize and I’ve long been concerned about egg quality. But for now, we can rest in thankfulness, and the positive. We got 21 eggs.

I am feeling a little nauseated and gross today, for obvious reasons, but it’s a rainy Sunday anyway and I’m happy to sit here with my husband and cat (finally!)

xoxoxo. Thanks so much for everyone’s support on here!

T minus 1: Google is Always a Bad Idea

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval. We have to be there at 7:45 am for an 8:45 retrieval. I had to really push for that early time because they originally gave me an afternoon time and I CANNOT fast that long. So I am really thankful they came through.

When I went to the RE on Thursday, my estrogen level was 1800-something. I had about 20 measured follicles, though some of course were not mature. My biggest was 20.

When I went BACK to the RE on Friday, I had about 16 measured follicles and I had a couple at 21 or 21.5.  I felt really good about that. When my RE was finishing up and he noticed my estrogen came in from this morning’s draw- at 1600-something. He noted it, said “hmm,” and asked if I was on menopur. I said no, but I am on Cetrotide. He said “well, that could be it.” And then I got dressed and met him outside.

So, basically, I was so happy that I was going to trigger, I ignored what he said about E2. The last night as I was going to sleep, I remembered it and decided to google.

mistake.

I can’t say anything I found was good. It seems strange that I could continue to grow and have my E2 drop. I am worried about quality, and I am worried about empty follicles.

I did have 4 that weren’t measured that seemed to drop off from the day prior- maybe they disappeared overnight and that’s why?

I only have 1 day to ER so that means only 1 day of obsessing about this. Or at least some parts of this.

Stims Day 8: Tender and Waiting

Had my sonogram this morning– still no word on my estrogen (blood work hasn’t come back yet), but it looks like I have 1 follicle at 20, two at 19, one at 18….and then a whole bunch under that. It’s kind of crazy because my RE says I need to have 2 at 20 to trigger. So, even though I am swollen I have to go back tomorrow, when they expect the follies to have grown.

Estimated Egg Retrieval: Sunday!

I CANNOT wait. Every day I am more tender and swollen than the previous. It’s nothing I can’t handle, but still. It’s a little bit of a bummer because after my really great scan on Monday, I had some hopes that I could trigger tonight and my retrieval would be Saturday. Given that I can’t think about anything else and am only able to wear stretchy pants, I just want to get this show on the road!

Keeping my fingers crossed that everything continues to be okay.