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FET: On for Tuesday

I had my lining check and my progesterone labs done yesterday. My lining is still beautiful (it has historically never been an issue) and is at 11.9! My progesterone is low, too, at 0.4, so we are all set to go for Tuesday.

It almost didnt happen, due to an incredibly dumb mistake at my clinic. My nurse wrote that there were 31 DAYS IN SEPTEMBER, thereby creating a nonexistent day for me to take my progesterone. Had that happened, I wouldn’t have been able to transfer on Tues, and since I moved my work schedule around it, I realize that there was a possibility I would have to cancel. So that was RIDICULOUS, but it got fixed. I am still on for the 4th, like I had expected to be.

So anyway, it’s all happening.

Which is a weird feeling.

I haven’t even tried to get pregnant in a while- not since June and my July 4th period that came early. Since then everything has been gearing up for IVF and FET. So I haven’t so much as thought about pregnancy tests and all that hell in a few months. I can’t say I am looking forward to that stress all over again.

Yet I am hopeful. There certainly is a possibility that I will be pregnant- a good one. Better than half, they say, with PGS testing.I want to have a positive attitude while still maintaining a safe distance so that I don’t fall wildly from high hopes. The 2WW (or, in this case, more like the 10 day wait?) will be excruciating.

 

Anyway I am off for the weekend. Then I am taking a half day Monday for a spa day and then of course a half day Tues. I still don’t have my appt time, but I am sure I will be able to work around it.

 

xxo.

#MICROBLOGMONDAYS: MTHFR and Other Curses

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So, I pushed my RE to test me for MTHFR. He did not want to at all. But, he acquiesced…

Turns out, I am compound heterozygous for the mutation. Meaning I have 1 copy of the mutation on 2 different genes. I am totally unaware of what else this is supposed to mean.

My RE basically said to take baby aspirin. And he gave me a referral to a hematologist. So, he went from not caring at ALL to actually giving me next steps.

The funny thing is, my pushiness got my friend interested too. She just got her results back…and she is homozygous (!)

How common is this? What does it affect?

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Swallowing the Pill: Estradiol & Expectations

Mr. Upside can’t come to my transfer. He has a business trip that can’t be changed because it’s for a conference, not a one-off meeting. It’s very frustrating. He promises it won’t be like this forever, that this is the last of the year (till next June) and that he wants to be there instead. And I get it. I don’t want to make him feel bad over something he can’t control, and for a job that allows us to afford a lot of the treatment we pursue. He makes more money than I do. But I wish it weren’t happening this way.

He’ll be gone the whole week, so we initially thought we could move the day a day or two, but it won’t make a difference.

So I am *tentatively* scheduled for an Oct 4 transfer and I will be going alone. Which is not at all what I wanted, or expected. And yet I am trying to pick my battles. We decided we  could push it back a whole month, but I don’t want to. I have to realize I, too, am choosing this date– to go forward while he’s not in the city.

Anyway. Thank you for all your nice notes. My grandma’s funeral is next weekend and we’ll both be going up for that and spending time with my family.

Other than this, things are pretty status quo. I started estradiol in pill form yesterday. Two little blue pills a day until a week from now when I kick into into gear with THREE pills a day. I was scrolling through Instagram with the hashtag #estradiol last night to find others’ IF journeys and I realized half the people who take it are actually transitioning sexes, MTF. So it was funny and eye-opening. Of course that makes sense- it’s pure estrogen! I’m waiting to become EVEN MORE of a woman than I am now🙂

 

Grief is an Ocean

My Grandmother died today. Which is weird. She has suffered from Alzheimer’s for so many years that it wasn’t unexpected and it wasn’t without some relief. But it is still sad. A disruption in the universe and all that. The truth is, though, she left years ago. The woman she was, at least. The woman I knew who spoiled me and bought me American Girl dolls (Addy & Samantha. Brunettes FTW)! and force-fed me chocolate by her pool.

Anyway. So I only have 1 grandparent left now. Which, at 31, is certainly not surprising. Maybe its even lucky. Life, etc.

In better news, my cysts are gone. I stopped BCP and I am starting Estradiol on Saturday! My lining check will be September 29 and we will go from there.

I am on track for an October transfer.

Also, Mr Upside came back from helping his parent’s move with a few items in tow. Baby items. Some special crochet alphabet signs and height measurer, hand made by his grandmother. And a rocking chair for a small toddler. It was adorable especially because they had been my husband’s as a baby. But it was also hard to see sitting in my hallway. I have certainly not allowed myself to have baby stuff around or even a baby room. Those adorable little crocheted marching bears- they would be so perfect for a baby’s room. A little boy’s maybe. One of our 5. I eventually had to hide those items because I didn’t want to feel the reminder every time I turned the corner. I can only hope we use them for our own healthy baby one day.

 

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Cyster, Cyster

Womp womp. I went in for my baseline on Friday afternoon- actually, at 5 PM. Had to fight Friday evening traffic. My RE basically told me it’s 50/50 odds that I’d have cysts or not. I figure with 21 eggs, the chances are a lot higher than when I only had 2 or 3.

Right side looked okay at first glance…then he moved to the left. There was no mistaking that giant black blob on the screen: definitely a gigantic 24-mm cyst. As it turns out, that wasn’t my only one though. I also have 2 small ones on my right side- but they are complex, meaning they are a combination of fluid and blood (gross, sorry), and on the sonogram they look grey and less obvious. Turns out my left ovary is a bit swollen on top of things. None of this is surprising to REs, I guess.

Anyway. As my RE said, “embryos are too precious to risk on a less than perfect environment.”

So, any September transfer hopes are off. And that’s okay. But I can’t pretend I’m not a little bit bummed, even though I feel a little guilty about that. I have gotten such incredible news about my 7. Five boys and two girls (which is a little surprising in itself). But this sense of waiting and sitting around never seems to stop with IF, and you know, best laid plans…

So my goal now is to shrink these 3 cysts into oblivion. My RE put me back on birth control, so I’ll take that for about 2 1/2 weeks. I go back on September 12 to see if they’re gone and if I can start Estradiol.

When I had my original cyst issue back in February, my life was very very different. I felt like I had little hope and no plans. I was still doing TI, not even IUI yet. And the thought of having no plans and no hope for even a medicated cycle was too much for me. I cried for like 3 days and felt depressed for the next week. It was so hard for me to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

And now? Now my light is so many things. My light is my husband. My cat. My family and friends who have been there for me since I opened up to them. My light is this blog, and the Instagram community. My relative health. And, without a doubt, my magnificent seven.

I can do this. I believe my body will absorb these cysts. I believe that in October, I will have a successful transfer. I believe I will have a baby.

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My [revised] Supreme Court

Last post, (and the one before) I wrote about my 9 embryos. I didn’t think I’d get my PGS results until next week at the earliest, but they came in today!

SEVEN of my nine were chromosomally normal!!! 

This is amazing news. I was shaking for so long after the call. My magnificent 7. The other 2 were completely “incompatible with life,” for which I am a little grateful, as they are not actually babies, and would never live, and therefore, destroying them isn’t any kind of weird moral complex.

So I no longer have the typical amount of Justices for the Supreme Court, but hey, Scalia passed away so there are only 8. I need to kick 1 more off, and I’d like it to be Thomas, because he sleeps through everything anyway, but, given my sex breakdown, it has to be a woman! I wouldn’t kick out RBG, so I guess I’ll kick out either Kagan or Sotomayer.

I’m obviously a gigantic nerd.

Other than that, I got my period today. It has been EXTREMELY heavy. Like, bleeding through everything. I have an ultrasound today at 5 pm (and I feel bad for my RE) to see if I have any cysts. Fingers crossed!

I am so so grateful. I can’t forget this.

 

 

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#MicroblogMondays: 31 and 9

Today is my birthday, and I’m 31. It’s funny because I definitely thought I’d have a kid before I hit this birthday, but it’s okay. I still hit a lot of other milestones- work, 2nd year of marriage, moving across the state, and IUI and most recently IVF.

What else makes this birthday nice is that I know I have 9 embryos waiting for me. I have my very own supreme court sitting in the freezer, giving me lots of hope and hopefully, options.

I won’t get the PGS results until some time next week. But obviously I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

Mr Upside is traveling for work, but getting back tomorrow. So birthday celebrations will have to wait. In the meantime, I’ll relax, work, and feel thankful that I am entering 31 with such good news and high hopes.

Move Over, Octomom

…and then there were 9.

NINE.

Nine embryos that made it to blast, biopsy & freeze.

I went from 3 yesterday to an extra 6 today. Pretty much shaking still from the phone call. When you have been dealing with IF for a year, you aren’t used to good news. Just in utter shock.

Will await the PGS results for another 2 weeks. Thank you to all you wonderful people who have been so supportive.

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THREE.

I have been so sick with anxiety and anticipation, and finally, my call came in. I have 3 embryos that have already been biopsied and frozen! And there are a couple more that may make it Sat or Sun! I can’t tell you how relieved I am. There are days when I am just so thankful. There is nothing else I can say.

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Schrodinger’s Ovaries

I am sitting here on a rainy Thursday, wondering how I will get through the next 30 hours. My day 5 results should come in tomorrow afternoon. This is the one I have been waiting for.

My day 3 update yesterday was good. 11 of the 13 embryos are 8-celled, at grades 1 through 2.5. Another little guy is 6 cells and grade 2, and my slacker is 5 cells and grade 3.

It occurred to me that if I don’t get an update tomorrow- if I never get one- then in my own universe, my 13 embryos are all still there, still alive, still growing strong.

Once I do hear, the reality of my universe will change. Things will be either good or bad, or just okay. I will know how many are strong and how many died off. It could be all of them. I will know, in some real sense, what my 13 embryos are actually doing. Are they alive? Have they arrested? Do they have still 6 cells? Have they hatched? It all rests on this phone call.

It made me think of Schrodinger and his cat. And the idea that- by looking into the bag- you will have in some sense “caused” the event to happen. Before Schrodinger looks, his cat is alive and dead, simultaneously, the reality of which he does not know. But by looking, he will, in some way, have killed the cat or willed it alive.

This entire time I have been worried about the time period between days 3 and 5. Anything could happen. But I can be like Schrodinger- and maybe not look. Then maybe it will be okay.

For now, I am existing in the space of both good news and bad. I picture myself getting each kind of news and living in that universe.

I am trying to be brave, strong, and distracted. To make it through today. To get to bed. To sleep. To wake up and try not to make myself sick waiting for that call.